Self-Forgiveness: Finding Peace After Hurt

Emotional pain and distress can stem from a myriad of sources, both external and internal.

Over the years, I’ve experienced hurts from many different people. Some have wronged me, others have caused upset through bullying, teasing, or even physical actions. Harsh criticism, deeply negative comments left online, forgotten plans, missed birthdays, dishonesty, infidelity, or a cutting “Shut up, idiot!” – these can all leave a sting. But the inner, emotional pain doesn’t just come from others. It also arises from past illnesses, injuries, those ‘shouldn’t-have-done-that’ moments, and even from the deep regret I feel from my own past actions that have caused distress to others.

Comments or actions from people I’ve never met, or those who aren’t significant in my life, can certainly sting in the moment. But they rarely leave a lasting scar. It’s the words and deeds of those close to my heart – the ones I care about deeply – that can truly crush the spirit.

When these things happened at different times, my reaction varied greatly. Sometimes I’d manage to brush it off and move on, maybe even have a laugh later. Other times, I’d dwell on what happened, wondering what I’d done to ‘deserve’ it. And on some occasions, I’d sink into a deep well of gloom, questioning the point of it all. Anger would sometimes flare up, while at other times, the only response was tears.

I have vivid memories from my childhood. Being frequently bullied and teased was common. I felt ‘different’ from other kids, and some teachers seemed to take a strange delight in reinforcing that whenever they could. One memory stands out: walking home from school with my mate, Sean. We had our PE (Physical Education) bags – you know, those soft pouch-style ones with a drawstring. We were having a bit of fun, throwing them in the air by the strings, spinning them like windmills. Good times, right?

Well, I remember throwing Sean’s bag back to him with a touch of extra gusto. It went quite high, and Sean reached up to catch it, but the bag sailed right through his outstretched arms and smacked him square in the face. Ouch! He was fuming!

Sean chased me for about ten minutes down the road from school, absolutely determined to have a fight. I, on the other hand, had no such desire. But I ran out of puff, and he eventually caught up, still steaming. A bunch of school kids gathered around, and the fight was on. Sean was throwing punches, and I was mostly trying to dodge them. The road was narrow, so the ’bout’ kept getting paused whenever a car came past. After one of these breaks, Sean got a clean shot in and punched me straight in the mouth. My immediate, panicked reaction was to swing my right fist towards his chin. Problem was, I missed his chin entirely and connected right with his throat.

Sean hit the ground, struggling to breathe. The kids watching either yelled at Sean to get up or screamed at me to ‘finish him off’. But honestly, I didn’t have any real beef with Sean – after all, he was the one who’d copped a PE bag to the face! I didn’t ‘finish him off’. I ran. I ran away and I cried.

Regardless of how I reacted to those hurtful events in my life – whether with laughter, tears, anger, or withdrawal – the memories remain. They’re still there, etched into my past. So, how can I help myself heal from these kinds of hurts?

The answer, I believe, lies in forgiveness.

Now, I can’t go back to every single person who has hurt me and offer them forgiveness. Some of those ‘offenders’ are no longer with us, which makes that impossible. But even if I could track down everyone else and declare that I forgive them, they might just look at me completely baffled, wondering what on earth I think I’m forgiving them for. Because, in every single one of those circumstances where I’ve been hurt or upset by someone, the one constant factor is always me. And I am the one who is still hurting from those events, dwelling on those past memories, allowing them to continue causing pain and anguish.

No, the primary person I need to forgive is myself. I am the one who stands to gain the most from letting go and forgiving what happened. And truth be told, there might be a few people who hurt me who probably shouldn’t entirely get off the hook – I’ll leave that to karma! But I absolutely deserve to be happy. I deserve to be able to move forward with my life, free from the heavy burden of these past hurts. It’s certainly not as simple as just deciding to do it, but I’ve found that each day gets a little bit better than the one before.

Learning to forgive past traumas and hurts – whether they came from others or from our own actions – is a major, perhaps even the major, step on our journey towards wellness and finding peace.

So, if this resonates with you, perhaps today is a good day to start. Take some time to quietly reflect on the emotional baggage you might be carrying around. And then, perhaps tentatively at first, work towards forgiving yourself for whatever role you believe you played, or for simply experiencing the hurt in the first place. Do it for you. Without reservation.

Healing is a process, and it’s okay to need support along the way. There are fantastic resources available right here in Australia to help navigate emotional pain and distress.

Where Aussies Can Find Support and More Information:

If you’re struggling with emotional pain, distress, or the impact of past hurts, please know you’re not alone and help is available.

• Lifeline: Provides 24/7 crisis support and suicide prevention services. You can chat online, text, or call 13 11 14. They offer confidential support from trained volunteers. (Website: lifeline.org.au)
• Beyond Blue: Offers information and support to help everyone in Australia achieve their best possible mental health, whatever their age and wherever they live. ¹ Their website has a wealth of resources, and you can chat online or call 1300 22 4636. (Website: beyondblue.org.au)
• Headspace: Specifically for young people aged 12-25, Headspace provides mental health and wellbeing support. They have centres across Australia and offer online and phone support. (Website: headspace.org.au)
• Black Dog Institute: A medical research institute investigating mental health across the lifespan. Their website offers information, resources, and tools for people affected by mood disorders. (Website: blackdoginstitute.org.au)
• See Your GP: Your local GP is an excellent first point of contact. They can talk through what you’re experiencing, provide initial support, and importantly, can help you access a Mental Health Treatment Plan. This plan allows you to receive Medicare rebates for sessions with a psychologist or other mental health professional, making professional support more affordable.

Finding healing is a personal journey, and it’s valid to seek help and guidance. Whether you start with self-reflection and forgiveness, or reach out to one of these services, taking that first step is an act of courage and self-care.